The First Step

Today started out not so good. I did the unthinkable, I got on the scale. Why did I do that? I know that I haven't been eating well, and exercise is non-existant in my life right now (being a student and a photographer has made the excuses to not exercise ridiculously easy). So why would I get on the scale???

Two reasons:

1. I had this idealistic attitude that I had magically lost weight... I have a pretty big imagination ok?
2. I am scared of where my weight is at, so I check it regularly. Not like I have really done anything about it, but, nevertheless I keep an eye on it. 

Today I hit my rock bottom. Like many people out there, apparently that is what it takes to make people change. Don't get me wrong, for the past 3-4 years weight loss has been a goal of mine. But I have since realized that the battle is not just weight loss, and focusing just on that has made me very unsuccessful. Actually the opposite of successful.

I know for a fact in 2005 I was 271 pounds. In 2007 I was 312 pounds. In 2010 I was 330 pounds. Today I am 367 pounds. I refuse to gain any more weight.

(I am planning on sharing this blog on Facebook and all I can think about is ALL my friends are going to see this!! But who am I fooling? lol... I am obese everyone can see that. So how is a number going to change that?)

I know posting this up on the internet is going to bring on judgement and most likely ridicule. But I also know it will bring support. And boy do I need that lol. I have had much support in the past with this. A lot of my close friends know of my quest to shed the weight, and they have given me supportive comments and advice like nobody's business... but the approach is always very simple. And this problem is way more complex then "just eat right and exercise." OH! hearing those words are unbelievably depressing. Trust me if it was just that then I would be two thirds of the way to my goal weight. That is the very problem I am dealing with. There is so much information out there that shows that it isn't just as simple as that. Obesity is an epidemic. I am caught right up with it. And I am tired of throwing money at the problem. Instead I will try something new and educate myself on what this problem actually is. Then maybe I can figure out a way to fix it :)

This blog is not just my journey to lose weight. Oi, I have tried that and failed miserably. Instead its going to be my journey of discovering the meaning of self control, addiction, and understanding what it is that makes so many of us struggle with our weight. It is also a journey to understand anxiety, stress and finding that ever elusive inner peace. My plan is to gather as much information as I can on these subjects. I will share this with you, you can read for your own enjoyment or you can use it to add to your own personal quest whatever that might be.

I think what has changed for me now is that I have had a glimpse of a life worth fighting for. Sitting in the same room as my husband, with both of us chasing our dreams to help to change the world with what we know how to do best is exhilarating! I can see the life we are laying out before us, and the possibilities are endless. And with the way my weight is going I will not be alive or healthy enough to see all this hard work and sleepless nights come to fruition.

So I have taken the FIRST STEP and put my FOOT DOWN. I deserve to have this life I see for myself. To be able to do the acrobats I wish I could do to get those perfect pictures of my clients kids. Heck to have the stamina to keep up with my own child if/when I have one :p lol. To not have to pay for medication or special shoes so that I can walk around. I want health, and calm, and tranquility. I deserve it. So this is my quest to find that. And hopefully along the way of educating myself I will help others struggling with the same things or similar.

Thank you for joining me on this journey.
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