Wednesday, 19 December 2012

Tough night

So tonight was a rough night. I was faced with some serious negative emotion, and I binged. The feeling is failure, that is for sure. I was not expecting that writing this blog was going to be a magic cure to this, but its just harder when I am so focused on it. It's like watching the whole train wreck, not just the aftermath of the crash, like it has always been before.

I felt so depressed and ugly tonight, until my husband said to me that I need to believe that I am worthy of helping myself and I need to not be so mean to myself. Because who wants to help someone they hate. I have heard this said in so many different ways but this way really resonated with me tonight.

I felt that my direction and purpose was gone. The positive beautiful life that I want to build for myself was once again out of reach. I felt that once again, I was the bad guy and not worthy of happiness. Its amazing how easy it is to fall back into bad habits.

But talking with my hubby tonight (while he tried so desperately to play his video game, but would stop to console me in my stupid crying fits) really made things clear to me once again. I am doing this for me, and I need to stop letting the influences that helped bring this on affect me in such a huge way anymore. I need to build walls and protect that fragile part of me, like a construction site is protected by those white walls in the shopping malls. I need to take care of myself. I have spent too much of my life, caring or worrying about what others thought of me, and defining my worth against their harsh words. I am deserving of that life I am trying to build for myself and I think by focusing on making myself better is the key to truly enjoying that life.

I will not let anyone take this away from me. It is about time I fight for myself.

**added: I just read another blog and was reminded of what Aristotle says: we make ourselves into who we want to be. I need to stop thinking that someone will save me from all this. I need to rescue myself.

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