Sunday, 20 January 2013

Purely Psychological

I have been having some bad days lately. This has nothing to do with the weight loss or the eating, but boy does it make me wish for the tranquility. 

Majority of my life has been consumed with avoidance, numbing emotions, pretending everything is fine until I get home and can cry into my pillow... but here I am now, thinking about it all, facing it. And all it does is make me feel raw and more and more powerless and out of control. I am seeing the monsters that have been hiding in the corners of my mind and I have nothing to fight them with. 

Friday was a horrible day. I wasn't able to sleep the night before and then I spent the whole morning obsessing over one little thing, searching the internet, trying to find a solution, and the only result was me wasting an entire morning. I was shaking, so mad at everything, things were going wrong, or moving too slow and I had this rage building from inside of me that scared the heck out of me. And for some reason I didn't numb, I didn't avoid, I sat in this rage and it just enveloped me. I was a bitch to my hubby, I was curt with others, I was scowling the whole day. And I had a meeting with a bride and I just felt pathetic through the entire thing, thinking "here I am trying to be my bubbly self, and she can see right through it." 

Eventually I calmed down and Saturday turned into a MUCH better day. But then today I started to feel the same frustration and helplessness as Friday morning. Just this time I gave myself a timeline, and I walked away from what was enraging me and did something else. It was an averted disaster. I feel so much better now. I know that I still have monsters to fight off, but I also know now that I am strong enough even without weapons. 

I just sat down at my desk and looked on the wall to my left where I pinned up a card my husband got me. And once again it spoke to me. So I want to share it with you. 

Confidence in Oneself
Human potential
is the same for all.
Your feeling, 
"I am of no value"
is wrong. 
You are deceiving yourself.
We all have the power 
of thought -
So what are you lacking?
If you have will-power, 
Then you can do anything.
It is usually said that
you are your own master.
                                           ~The Dalai Lama

I put the words in bold that speak the most to me, if italics are added, well you get the drift, lol. 

1 comment:

  1. Buddhism has a lot of practical advice that is without conditions that has helped me significantly with my anger. I am glad you can use it to find some peace as well.