So I have seen my counsellor, and boy am I happy so far with how things are going with her :)
I learnt a lot from her in my first session with her, it was two hours long! Which she was happy with so that is good lol :)
One of the biggest things that has stuck with me since my session was her planting this seed, this idea of unconditional love. I was explaining how I felt such unconditional love from my husband. I would tell him my deepest darkest secrets about myself. The things I was so embarrassed that I actually did. The parts of me that I hide from everyone. And he still loved me. He accepted that as actions I did as a mistake or in times of weakness but still believed that I was a fundamentally good person. He didn't judge me. At all. What an amazing feeling to be seen for who you truly are no matter what your mistakes. And she said that is wonderful that you have this feeling of unconditional love from him, but what about feeling it for yourself?
I know! I hear so much about if you want to lose weight or be healthy you have to love yourself, and I would always think to myself, well, yeah. I love me. So, why isn't that number dropping on the scale?
NEVER have I thought about unconditionally loving myself. It's so completely foreign to me! I hold myself to extremely high expectations and feel devastated when I can't meet them. And finally I understand that I only love myself if I perform perfectly. I have such harsh conditions on that love, including looking in the mirror and saying to myself, how can I love this? This is failure right there for everyone to see. I used to be pretty, I used to have talents, and curves and a pretty smile, now it's all hidden behind this fat. How can I love this?
This treatment of myself has resulted in some serious anxiety and actually a really high blood pressure, especially since I have much more responsibilities and high expectations of myself now with the photography business.
The goal for me is to lower my crazy high expectations and to OWN, not try to cover, my flaws or mistakes. I have to look in the mirror and say I accept this as a place I personally do not want to be with my weight but in no way does it take away from how much I deserve love.
I have been saying this for years because I truly believed it, but it isn't until I accept myself for who I am entirely that I can expect it from anyone else: I am who I am, no apologies will be given but applause is definitely welcome :p
So it's gonna me a love me fest in my head for a little while, while I try to figure this all out. And I might have much more to say later on about this. But for right now this is how I can best process this.
I need to throw this perfectionist out the window. Perfect is impossible to reach, so my best will have to do.